The marketing department at Banker & Tradesman is in turmoil, as it attempts to decide what kind of sign to put on the front door.
The most compelling proposal would feature a four-color, poster photo of Cohen the Columnist, on the theory that, why else would anyone be stopping by?
Other drones want the sign to indicate that B&T is a real estate data boutique, or that B&T is your source for real estate and financial news, blah, blah, blah.
What’s holding things up is that if every idea ends up somewhere on the sign, it would be the size of some state employee pensions. You don’t want that to happen. The laws of God and Man are unleashed on those whose commercial door and window signs are too large, too flashy, too communicative.
Beware all ye who enter here; the First Amendment ends at the front door, or the picture window. Government tends to have a destructive interest in such business decoration and advertising; it’s so much more satisfying to crack down on a felonious sign hanger than on a bank robber or drug dealer.
Even as we speak, the Principality of Tisbury is at war with itself over sign restrictions for commercial buildings. It seems that the actual sign regulations are written in some foreign language that no one speaks any longer, but there is some kind of exception for national flags. Any flags. Cuban flags. Vatican flags. Israeli flags. Sudanese flags. Commercial buildings are presumably safe, if the way they entice the passersby is a flag from a country. Needless to say, the technique seems to work well at Irish pubs and Italian pizza joints.
What doesn’t work so well is a flag that says “Open,” although one town councilor wondered if there might not be a country called that – and thus exempt a business from the sign regulation police. Businesses are concerned that not having flags that tell people they’re open will mean tourists will assume they’re closed. Despite some vigorous investigative reporting from the Vineyard Gazette newspaper, there is no answer for the current, unexplained crackdown on the flag thing, initiated by a mysterious, unidentified town official.
The building and zoning enforcement squad is sort of, reluctantly, enforcing the new prohibition, while begging to be put out of its enforcement misery. One local politician suggested that businesses pursue a life of crime – and fly their flags, proudly.
Sending A Message
This is the kind of anguish that occurs in the sign regulating business. Negotiating a settlement to the war in Afghanistan is child’s play, compared to the sign thing.
Easthampton almost never recovered from its sign flap of 2008, which attempted to crack down on felonious “sandwich signs,” which are sort of allowed during the day but not at night – and certainly never on public sidewalks.
And who could forget the famous Cambridge City Council flip-flop of 2010, which, over the course of 30 days, “simplified” zoning regulations that encouraged or discouraged or regulated or did something to commercial signs attached to buildings – until the council changed its mind and put things back the way they used to be. As if anyone actually understood how things used to be.
Massachusetts is not alone in its mental illness about commercial building signs. Last year, Dallas, Texas, was dragged into court to explain its business sign ordinance, which prohibited the placement of signs on the upper two-thirds of business windows or glass doors – and, oh, by the way, the sign must not cover more than 15 percent of the glass. The regulations were defended as an anti-crime measure, but small businesses said the only criminals caught up in the experiment were retailers trying to advertise their goods and services.
Back in 2002, the American Civil Liberties Union unleashed its legal flying monkeys on the town of East Hartford, Conn., which was making life miserable for a stereo shop that placed a “Geno is God” sign in its window. “Geno,” of course, was, and still is, Geno Auriemma, the coach of the wildly successful University of Connecticut women’s basketball team.
Some people complained that Geno was quite a fellow, but it was blasphemous to call him “God.” The town invoked an ordinance forbidding temporary signs to commemorate a special event. The ACLU said, “huh?” The town surrendered and Geno joined Cohen the Columnist among the mere mortals who obtain God-like status.
To businesses everywhere, the word is out. Watch your step. Or your door. Or your window. It’s a sign of the times – if such a sign is legal
