It is time for Massachusetts to strike back, to regain its momentum, to seek revenge from New Hampshire, a nation to the north that is closely aligned with Canada.
Why is it, do you think, that population growth in Massachusetts remains so sluggish? Because unsuspecting Massachusetts residents drive up to New Hampshire for cheap liquor, discover that there is no income tax – and never return home again.
What is to be made of those shadowy figures who hang out on street corners in the Berkshires, distributing brochures that make fun of the “foothills of the Berkshires,” urging tourists to drive up to New Hampshire, which has “real mountains.”
And do you think it’s an accident that New Hampshire elects almost 68 percent of the entire state population to its state legislature, while Massachusetts folks have to struggle to snare a seat on a local zoning board? Those in Massachusetts with the largest egos (clustered in the Back Bay and Cambridge) inevitably move to New Hampshire, so that they can be state senators.
No more. New Hampshire is vulnerable and we must act, while their craggy faces are confused and they are distracted from the war with Massachusetts, the Great Satan.
They know not who they are, those New Hampshire villains. They are so befuddled about what it might mean to be in New Hampshire that they have hired a Florida marketing firm to explain it to them. It seems that tourists contemplating a good time in New Hampshire often draw a blank. Fill in the blank: “I want to go to New Hampshire because…” Oops.
The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO), made up of all the New England states except for New Hampshire, should move as one and crush New Hampshire while it is down. We have what it takes.
In Vermont, they sell cheddar cheese. In Maine, they sell lobsters. In Connecticut, they sell maps of suburban office parks that you can drive through on the way to New York City. In Massachusetts, you can buy bobble-head dolls of Paul Revere and cream pie and baked beans and stuff.
New Hampshire? You can get a few bucks off on a bottle of bourbon. Big deal.
The trick is to surround New Hampshire with hostile highway billboards in surrounding states, asking such questions as: “Going to New Hampshire? What For?” and, “Going to New Hampshire? Don’t Unpack. You Won’t Be There Long.”
Name Calling
The Massachusetts Central Intelligence Agency leaked sensitive documents to the Boston Globe, which gladly trumpeted the news that New Hampshire was riddled with self-doubt about travel and tourism marketing. It was all great fun, but, in truth, many cities and states are at a loss when communicating exactly who and what they want to be when tourists come calling.
It was back in 2006 that Indiana finally dumped its old slogan, “Enjoy Indiana,” which sort of sounded like your mom trying to convince you to enjoy Brussels sprouts.
Hartford, Conn., retired its “New England’s Rising Star” slogan, with the understanding that not only did it seem a bit presumptuous, but it also implied that the star had not yet risen.
An amusing study in 2004 discovered that while the New Jersey shore was a popular tourist destination, its brand name, “Jersey Shore,” was a turnoff, because folks didn’t want to be reminded that they were in New Jersey. And who can blame them?
Some cities decide to avoid the clever marketing gimmicks and just be honest. Martinsville, Va., is the “Sweat Shirt Capital of the World” – and don’t you forget it. In fact, Martinsville is a good example of how sensitive to marketing opportunities Massachusetts must be. There are summer nights in the Berkshires when the audience at Tanglewood discovers that even in July and August, it can occasionally be 35 below zero at night. At that point, Lenox is the sweatshirt capital of the world – and we should market that fact.
Speaking of cold (this column is like a well-oiled machine), New Hampshire should tout Mt. Washington as its primary tourism attraction.
“Come to New Hampshire and see what it’s like to be really, really cold.”
Take that, stupid Florida.
