It’s sort of the Dog Days of summer and all the lazy, irresponsible, somnolent people are at the Cape playing in the water, or in the Berkshires, listening to the Boston Symphony, or on Bermuda, creating another make-believe bank, while the rest of us just sit here, trying to solve the world’s problems with the guidance of Cohen’s column.
Well, Cohen needs a rest. He hasn’t had a vacation since the last time Banker & Tradesman gave me a raise, which is to say, I’ve never had a vacation. I need you to pitch in and help. It’s sort of like an intellectual barn raising, where we all come together to create a creaky edifice.
Cohen has an idea for a column, but he doesn’t have an opinion about the idea that is to be the centerpiece of the column. It is supposed to be an opinion column. To write the column in my current situation would be sort of like applying for a home equity loan, without having any equity.
There are “on the one hand, on the other hand” kinds of columnists, but their efforts to be “balanced” and “objective” and “analytical” end up reading like the tiny footnotes at the bottom of an annual report. Snoozerama. No, I produce opinions sufficiently pointed as to launch nuclear missiles.
So, I’d like your advice on what kind of opinion I should have about the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations considering a name change to Just Plain Old State of Rhode Island.
I think that the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, which is sort of like Rhode Island’s big brother and, of course, which sort of has its own goofy name, should offer an opinion on the proposed name change. Being the voice of Massachusetts, I am prepared to act, but, honestly, can’t quite conjure up an opinion that I’d be willing to march in the streets to defend. It’s sort of like what Casey Stengel said: “I’ve made up my mind both ways.”
Wrong Word
On the one hand, the real problem with Rhode Island isn’t the “plantation” thing, but the “island” thing. It doesn’t really appear to be much of an island at all. According to my Italian barber, who I rely on for all matters related to hair and pizza and geography, Giovanni de Verrazano labeled it Rhode Island in the 1500s, because it reminded him of the Isle of Rhodes.
Well, okay. I was “named “Larry” after a family friend of my parents who bought and sold pork belly futures and stuff on the commodity exchange. But I’m not known as ‘Larry the Pork Belly Trader.” Why should poor Rhode be known as Rhode Island?
But, hey, “Rhode Island” is on everyone’s letterheads and business cards and stuff. The battle probably isn’t worth fighting. It was this very month in 1663 that King Charles II gave the Rhode Island and Providence Plantations a Royal Charter, which was even harder to get than a charter school in Boston.
The “plantation” thing clearly didn’t have anything to do with the Civil War and slavery and such stuff, but the guilty white folks of the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations would rather have a referendum about a name change than talk about school desegregation or restrictive zoning.
This might all suggest that the citizens of the State of Rhode Island and…oh, you know, should vote down the symbolic thing and get on with more important stuff.
On the other hand, remember what the famous card-game expert Edmond Hoyle said: “When in doubt, win the trick.” The good people of the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations would probably approve the name change 95 percent to 5, with the nays coming from 17 history teachers who were in a snit for not being consulted prior to the vote.
It’s hard to pass up an opportunity to exude racial and political harmony, at so little psychic or financial cost.
So, what do you think? Which way do I go? A strong opinion from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts could influence the referendum. And make it snappy. They expect a column every week here at the Banker & Tradesman Plantation.
