A Kardashian Konnection

Oh, how The Teller would “truly connect” with Kim Kardashian!

Apparently, this is a big headache for most men. And the available video evidence suggests it’s not worth the trouble. Still. Those eyes… those curves… mmm.

But instead of truly connecting with their husbands, wives, lovers and/or children, Los Angeles’ celebrities seem to only reserve that kind of intimacy for their real estate agent, who is apparently named Josh Altman. He is from Boston, and is in love with his dogs.

At least that’s what The Teller can gather from a press release put out by Anderson Group Public Relations, the L.A. shop responsible for a press release punching up Altman’s Boston connection and promoting his Bravo TV show, “Million Dollar Listing.”

The Teller would’ve assumed selling high-ticket homes in Los Angeles and its environs would require lots of service. We’re told by the folks at Anderson, where it seems one isn’t required to know how to read or write, that Altman is “always providing the white glove/VIP service.”

We can’t blame the flaks for pushing poorly written copy. The pressure, we’re sure, is intense. Within the email train accompanying the press release is a note (complete with two spaces after question marks and periods) to its author from someone who appears to be his or her supervisor: “Where are we with this?  It’s already Thursday.  This HAS TO GO OUT SOON – I need to see the next draft ASAP.”

Sheesh.

It’s probably safe to assume that Altman, who works with his brother Matt, “needs to” close his million-dollar listings ASAP, as well. Maybe that’s why he’s said to “truly connect” with his clients. But meeting “Hollywood’s elite real estate needs” shouldn’t be any trouble. You know what they say about a fool and his (or her) money…

This would be The Teller’s pitch: “Look, Kim, it’s shiny. It’s got a fountain featuring a life-size, nude Kim Kardashian in solid gold already installed in the marble foyer. The kitchen is obviously way better than the granite and stainless steel most people settle for, and it’ll make a perfect setting for you and your sisters to disastrously attempt to make Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in a scene for your goofy reality show full of tension, bitchy insults, madcap hilarity, and ultimately, family bonding with your mother and that guy who wears a mask all the time.”

Freakin’ sold!

The Teller can almost feel the pressure, and we kinda like it. We’ll be stealing Altman’s clients, including Lamond Murray – yes, that Lamond Murray – in no time.