The Hidden Cost Of The Holidays

The Teller enjoys a good bit of nonsense as much as the next jolly anonymous newspaper gossip, but a recent Christmas Price Index missive has us caught between amusement and deep confusion.

An organization dedicated to supporting small businesses called Independent We Stand sent us a press release starting out like this: "To buy each of the items from the classic ‘Twelve Days of Christmas’ song would cost you $23,439 this year. However, if you bought all of those items from independent, locally owned stores in your town, $15,938.52 would be reinvested in your community through taxes, payroll and other local expenditures. If you bought them at national chain stores, only $10,078.77 would be re-invested locally."

Huh, well, that’s an interesting point – but wait! Hold the phone. If we remember the words from that song, it not only includes receiving (from one’s true love) five gold rings, but also partridges, turtle doves, "lords a-leaping," "maids a-milking" and the like.

We suppose one could buy birds, but what about the, uh, humans? Perhaps they are referring to the hiring of service work, such as dairy farm labor or some sort of performance troupe that includes acrobatic noblemen?

Unskilled farm labor is indeed involved in the calculations, as is the National Aviary in Pittsburgh to supply the various fowl. And one would have to go to the Pennsylvania Ballet to procure lords a-leaping, but the Teller haughtily notes at this point that it’s unlikely any such dancers have even been knighted, much less inherited a lordship.

Also, the Independent We Stand group is making these calculations to support the patronage of local establishments versus national chains. But which national chains traffic in swans a-swimming or geese a-laying, much less the aforementioned human labor? Wal-Mart, last time we checked, does not stock French hens or calling birds. And neither do most communities have a mom n’ pop "drummers drumming" shop that is going to be shut down after 45 years if one heartlessly goes to Target instead.

So, here we are – a perfectly legitimate discussion of the benefits of buying local utterly lost in a maze of confusion and belligerent nit-picking. We’re left contemplating the oddness of that strange old song, and angry that it is now stuck in our heads, instead of vowing to patronize the overpriced boutique in our neighborhood.

But, one useful tidbit: The price of swans a-swimming is way down! In the 1970s, seven swans would have cost $7,000. Today, they run about $5,600 in a seven-pack. So, better stock up. Just in case.