Romance: Teller-Style

Because you’re reading this newspaper column on Valentine’s Day, The Teller felt the need to bring a dose of reality to all of the roses and drugstore chocolates that invade this wonderful day.

You see, while there will be a good many couples celebrating this "holiday," a certain portion of them are undoubtedly wishing they didn’t have to. A recent survey found that 38 percent of couples considering a divorce or separation have decided to stick things out instead. But in a nation where divorce is de rigueur for around half of those who get married, the number exhibiting restraint seemed shockingly high.

After more research, The Teller discovered that one reason for staying together wasn’t something stereotypical, like for the kids or to get residency status, but because the recession prevents couples from splitting. So, first the recession caused us to lose our jobs and our homes, and now it’s…saving marriages?

The University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project came to the oh-so-shocking conclusion that money factors into whether a married couple calls it quits. Thank you, UVA, for pointing out this obvious fact.

But instead of focusing on things we already know, The Teller is going to give husbands and wives some tips on how to get their spouse to finally concede to a divorce – recession or not – on Valentine’s Day.

You could take your spouse to the local Waffle House for its annual Candelight Valentine’s Day dinner. Nothing says "I want a divorce" more than eating something smothered and covered on this lovers’ holiday.

Or, in lieu of something sexy, you could buy your spouse a Hoodie-Footie Pajagram. This gift lets your spouse know you never to see them in the buff ever again.

A recent survey from the LIFE Foundation found that more than half of consumers would feel loved on Valentine’s Day if a life insurance policy naming them as the beneficiary were purchased on their behalf. But imagine the message sent by naming your high school sweetheart or the mailman as the beneficiary instead?

If all else fails, go the coupon route – Groupon is very popular these days. What better way to let that someone special know they aren’t worth the full price of the meal you’re forced to eat with them?

Good luck, and happy Valentine’s Day.