Just Another Tool 

Fat cat bankers have had it pretty rough in the U.S. in the aftermath of the financial meltdown. Cutbacks on bonuses, screaming protesters at shareholder meetings and zealous federal regulators breathing down necks are enough to make anyone uncomfortable.

But apparently, that rude treatment is nothing compared to the “third world violence” faced by British banking executives in recent months.

Let’s take a step back.

Usually, when The Teller gets a press release in the inbox with the subject line “Fifty percent increase in Bankers learning how to kill!” (seriously, that’s what it said), we generally assume it’s a cute play on words, meant to imply that a good portion of bankers are making a killing, profit-wise, on some new product, service or investment trend.

So imagine our surprise, and amusement, when we realized this was no flyer touting the next get-rich-quick scheme. No, this was life or death. Literally.

The missive came from Tim Larkin, founder of “Target Focus Training,” which is apparently some kind of Ninja-cum-Navy SEAL type training program for banking executives. It seems Mr. Larkin recently conducted a training session for banking executives from Credit Suisse, Goldman Sachs, Deutsche Bank, Deloitte and J.P Morgan on how “to kill” at the City of London Club.

He sent the pictures to prove it. Really, we tried to take this seriously, but seeing a picture of what we have to assume is some high-powered banking executive getting kicked in the junk is really funny.

But to Mr. Larkin, this is no joking matter. Class attendees learned to defend themselves from knife and gun attacks, in no small part because, “As the crime on London streets becomes more and more like the third world’s, it’s essential that targets like bankers know how to save their own lives, even from multiple attackers.”

“Most people feel very uncomfortable with the idea of violence because we have stigmatized it so much,” Larkin wrote. “But I try to impress on students that violence is just another tool. You need visions in your head so you can replicate them when you try to do them.”

As if complex derivatives and interest rate manipulation weren’t tools enough…

Honestly, we can’t make this up.