Credit Default Swaps … D’Oh!

Apparently banks aren’t marketing to the right people. They are marketing to C. Montgomery Burns (cold, calculating and logical) but most of us are more like Homer J. Simpson (emotional and impulsive, and we guess by association, dumb).

That’s the assertion of William Cusick, CEO of the "customer experience counseling company" Vox Inc., anyway.

Cusick points out it costs much more to acquire new customers instead of retaining current ones, but bank customer turnover hovers around 30 percent.

"Despite their poor track record, banks are sticking with highly ineffective approaches to everything from customer service to product design," Cusick said. "They are doing so in the interest of economizing, applying what they think are best practices or other misguided strategies. Clearly, our irrationality demands a new rational and far-reaching overhaul of how banks and other companies seek to acquire, interact with and retain customers."

Our irrationality demands a new rational approach, eh? OK, we guess. The Teller doesn’t think Homer ever really cared about which bank held his measly savings (when it wasn’t funding plow companies or underground sugar distributing operations). But Cusick claims all can be explained in his book, "All Customers are Irrational: Understanding What They Think, What They Feel and What Keeps Them Coming Back."

The Teller will say this: Cusick reminds us of Lionel Hutz. We just want a Duff and a doughnut.

‘Reading Makes Cent$’ Makes … Sense

Here is an idea whose time has come: Rockland Trust is paying kids to read.
Rockland Trust will give children $2.50 in a Rockland Trust savings account for each book they read, up to 10 books. Yes! This is good for Rockland Trust (getting to children early with savings accounts) but even better for society. We have to get these kids to start reading!   

It’s sad that we’ve made it to this point, but it clearly has to be done. Unless we can come up with an anime cartoon version of The Teller (hmmm … The Teller Presents: Sarcastic Ninja Explosion of Death and Giggles? That just might have legs), how can our continued existence be assured?

So we say start them early with the incentives. The program is open to children in first through eighth grade, and Rockland Trust is also offering an ice cream party at the end of the summer for any child who reads more than four books. The ice cream is a nice touch.

The next step? Keep them the heck away from the Bronte sisters, or (gulp) Thomas Hardy. Bring books into schools kids actually want to read. While they’re battered down by "Wuthering Heights" or "Tess of the D’Urbervilles," another future reader is destroyed. At least wait until college for those hefty tomes.

Anyway, kudos to Rockland Trust for becoming a patron of one of the lost arts: finishing a book. Please, parents, enroll your children, and get them some ice cream and cash. We fear for a future without readers.