Pimp My … Aquaminium?

The Teller thought it had heard of it all. A 27-story Indian home. Bullet-proof front doors. Gold-plated pools. But apparently there are still some things that slip under the radar – an aquaminium being one of them.

What, say you, might an aquaminium be? Why, it’s none other than a waterfront apartment complex with an indoor parking garage for a boat. Oh, and wait – there’s more. It’s not just a yacht berth, but a lounge too for you to do with it what you will. The Teller is envisioning Cristal, caviar and Chihuahua fitted with its own diamond-studded collar.

At first, The Teller was a little disgusted with the extreme extravagance of it all. Come on, an indoor boat parking garage? Are people seriously going to pony up for this home addition? Well, Royal Phuket Marina chief executive and developer Gulu Lalvani seems to think so. Because if you’re shelling out for one of his penthouses (those buying "other" apartments don’t get this option), you’ve obviously got the cash for an indoor docking station for yacht – one probably aptly named "Money Ain’t A Thang."

But when The Teller heard the aquaminium was inspired by Mr. James Bond – who always needed a quick, maritime escape – all was right in this self-indulgent world. If it’s good enough for 007, then of course, it’s good enough for us too.

And why wouldn’t the absurdly rich need their boats close at hand for a quick getaway? A person can only handle their nagging spouses and spoiled children for so long. Having all of that money can be such a burden and sometimes only a cruise in your backyard of an ocean will fix all that’s wrong in the world.

The Teller knows that all of you are now clamoring for your very own aquaminium in this great commonwealth, but unfortunately for all of you bazillionaires, these maritime garages are only being offered in Thailand. You’re just going to have to park your big ol’ fancy yacht down at the yacht club with the rest of the peons.