Gallows Humor

Usually, The Teller is more than content to sit back and laugh at our own jokes. Truly, nobody is funnier than we.

But it seems we do have some rivals, and from a most unexpected source: Bankers.

Yes, in all their haste to rush foreclosures and greedily scoop up consumers’ hard-won earnings, it seems they also have time for jokes.

Here’s a sampling of some funny anecdotes, jokes and one-liners from the recent American Bankers’ Association convention in Boston.

From Edward Yingling, outgoing ABA president, in his opening remarks:

• "I recently spent the day with a cynical staffer. We started the day with a long, productive discussion with Elizabeth Warren (incoming head of the much-maligned Consumer Financial Protection Bureau). When I got off the phone, we both remarked that the conversation was all sweetness and light. After that, we met with one particularly conservative Senator who had vehemently opposed the creation of Warren’s new bureau. And after that conversation, we remarked how the discussion was all sweetness and light. At that point, my aide turned to me and said ‘Maybe it’s time for you to retire…’"

• "In my five years as your leader, I’ve fought a lot of people on your behalf. I even fought the Department of Defense – and won. I’m pretty sure a drone followed me home that night."

• "In my early years, I met Bill Clinton in Arkansas when he was campaigning for his first term as president. I proposed what I thought was a pretty good idea to him at the time. He turned to me, and with all sincerity, said ‘Ed, that’s a really interesting idea. Could you please write it up for me to study later?’ Well, I thought I’d done something pretty good, impressing the future president of the United States, and was thinking maybe he’d make me treasury secretary. Well fast forward a few months, and I attended a welcoming reception at the White House for the new president, where they invited citizens to meet the president and first lady. They had an open microphone, I remember. Well, a disheveled-looking gentleman had his turn, and when he got close, the Secret Service moved closer. I heard him explain to the president over the open microphone how he had a great idea. It involved recruiting Martians to mine minerals on Mars and send them back to Earth. Well Clinton looked this gentleman in the eye and told him ‘That’s a very interesting idea. Would you write it up for me to study later?’ Well, I never became treasury secretary. But I’m pretty sure they cleaned that guy up and made him head of NASA."

• "One of the great things about retirement is you can tell people what you really think. Don’t worry, everyone in this room is safe. OK, most of you are safe."

Joe Pigg, ABA vice president and senior council, on the government’s policy towards Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac:

• "Their policy seems similar to my parents’ when I was a junior in college. Just keep writing checks, and hope for the best."

Kenneth Rudzewick, CEO of Maspeth Federal in Queens, N.Y. , opened his presentation on mutual institutions with a joke:

• "The Lone Ranger and Tonto were hot on the trail of a known thief and robber out in the badlands. Nightfall was coming, so the two decided to make camp for the night and resume their chase in the morning. Well, in the middle of the night, the old Lone Ranger woke up, looked skyward, and exclaimed ‘My goodness, Tonto, I can see the heavens! There must be millions of stars, thousands of galaxies. Its lovely! Tonto, what do you think?’ To which Tonto replied: ‘Sir, I think someone stole our tent.’"

Nice work, bankers. Thanks for writing The Teller’s column this week. Of course, no compensation is coming your way – you already have enough of our money.