Chain-Link Fences = Excitement?

Berkshire Bank, which is self-titled "America’s Most Exciting Bank," recently donated $8,000 to the Morningside Community School on Burback Street in Pittsfield. The money was to install a fence around the school’s playground, a chief parent concern going into the school year, according to Berkshire Bank’s press release.

Thursday, volunteers from the staff of Berkshire Bank helped rip out 500 feet of deteriorating fence and install the new chain-link fence. The new fence will "keep outsiders from walking through the playground while school is in session," according to the release. 

Peter J. Lafayette, executive director of the Berkshire Bank Foundation, said, "We are using our grant funds to pay for the new fencing and our employee power through our employee volunteer program to eliminate a safety concern so that teachers and students can focus on learning."

What The Teller wants to know is where is the excitement? Right now, Berkshire Bank looks more like "America’s Safest Bank," or maybe "America’s Most Thoughtful Bank." We agree that having strangers wander through the playground while children are playing may be a little too exciting. But surely Berkshire Bank could have come up with a few more exciting additions to the playground.

How about a combined trampoline and trapeze course? Students could hop from one trampoline, grapple onto a trapeze, and then swing onto the next trampoline, and so on. That sounds pretty darn exciting.

If that doesn’t work for you, how about a giant foam block pit? Kids will be able to dive, back flip and romp around without hurting themselves (with the correct supervision, of course). If Pittsfield is going to have a state-champion back flipping team anytime soon, it had better start upgrading its back flipping facilities. This may be just the development that could put them over the top.

If those seem a little extreme, how about this: fencing. No, not the chain-link kind – that’s already taken care of. We’re talking about swashbuckling here. What’s more exciting than a swordfight? Nothing, that’s what. The Teller prefers the saber to the rapier, but there should be room for both. Fencing is an Olympic sport, after all, and they have swords and equipment to prevent any serious stabbing injury.

The next time a school asks for fencing, The Teller hopes the reply will be "En Garde!"

How To Write A Press Release

The Teller is a member of The Press. How can you tell? We have a "Press" bill tucked into the band of our fedora, which we wear everywhere, including in the shower and to bed.

Because we’re a member of The Press, The Teller is inundated by an unbelievable amount of press releases. That’s how we spend our entire day; we sort through press releases trying to figure out just what’s going on out in the world. This allows us to never leave our cubicle and actually see what’s going on … that’s way too much work. Instead, we rely on public relations professionals to tell us what is really important – they seem like a grounded bunch.

Last month, The Teller received one of the most incredible press releases ever, which we decided to save, so we could tell you about it on a very special today (known colloquially as a ‘slow news day’). Today is that day.

Here is how it starts: "Hello, The leader in Celebrity Real-Estate advising and International real estate mogul, Ann Eysenring, is ready to share her unmatched wisdom with the world and is currently available for interviews."

This, my friends, is important news. Ms. Eysenring is finally ready to share her unmatched wisdom. I’m sure you thought the Pope, or maybe the Dali Lama, (or how about Warren Buffet for all you capitalists out there) was wise, but they can’t match Ms. Eysenring. She’s the leader in celebrity real estate advising.

Why is she so wise? Well for one, she lives in Utopia.

"Ann resides in the infamous beachfront community, Malibu, a magnetic city attracting highly successful leaders of various industries to settle, live in peace, and still have access to the city."

Those leaders of various industries trying to live in provincial chaos, look elsewhere. Malibu’s magnetism is not for you.

We go one to learn Eysenring has 26 surfboards there in Malibu, and five vintage motorcycles, one of which was recently featured in the move Benjamin Button.

But she doesn’t spend much time in Utopia, because she’s too busy "jet-setting to various remote locations in quest of the quintessential property for an A-List couple."

So why is this important? Because you, too, can own 26 surf boards! Just give Ann a call, she’s finally ready to share.

"Her exclusive status and trade tips have remained an industry secret, reserved for only the crème-de la- crème for many years, but soon the public too can have access to the coveted elite Hollywood circle… This kick back, world housing expert is sure to provide the public with vital trade secrets on how to realistically find the perfect home in the ideal location."

Eysenring worked for a production company; her job was to find housing for the casted talent on location. She gained contacts within the industry, figured out she could just cut out the middleman by getting her real estate license, and took off from there. Sounds easy, right? At least, that’s according to her press release. Feel free to give her PR company a call if you like: 323-655-1008.