If You’ve Got It, Flaunt It

"Can you save like LeBron James?" the press release asks.

It’s such a lovely question, and delivered under the heading "NBA Saves Players from Going Bankrupt" no less. It warms The Teller’s heart. Honestly.

"The NBA, in particular, has produced so many financially troubled athletes that it has decided to create a retirement savings plan that will force players to save responsibly," the note claims before asking, "Are you any better than these athletes at saving your money for retirement?"

Of course, the easy answer is yes. The Teller has a 401(k) plan. But the dynamic is much more complicated than the folks at GoBankingRates.com, the source of this release, would have us believe.

If The Teller had LeBron’s money, or even Antoine Walker’s money (when he had money), we would have spent it like they do: On gaudy, ostentatious houses for our mamas, cars, booze, women, booze, women, booze, women, gifts for the entourage, etc. The Teller would be keen to record a terrible rap album in a professionally equipped home studio.

Call us, Rick Ross.

What’s the alternative, according to GoBankingRates.com?

In addition to the 401(k) (which is being managed with your best interest in mind, right?), one ought to open some CDs, direct deposit money into a savings account, save tax refunds, save bonuses and "cut back on some expenses."

Then what? Sit around at home finding new ways to bore yourself and your loved ones while waiting for the fun to start when you’re 65? Screw that.

Save tax refunds? Save bonuses? We understand the logic, and we hate it.

Get a bonus? Blow it. Buy your wife a new dress. Buy yourself that new putter, the new car, the vacation home, the really good scotch, the rare first edition book, a work of art. Spoil your kids. See the world.

All of these things are more fun and rewarding during the life you lead now than a few extra bucks will ever be when you’re drooling on yourself and fighting to stay awake until halftime.

Retirement is a trap. The retirement industry is a con.

Blow your money now, and work until you drop. That’s The Teller’s plan.