When the editors do something unspeakable to my column, I stand out in front of the Banker & Tradesman Tower, shake my fist, and scream for God’s vengeance in the form of a lightning bolt.

Note that I am aiming my anger not at the editors, but at the building. Somehow, the building represents all that is wrong in the world, not necessarily the folks who inhabit the place.

Real estate can do that to you. When the “stager” comes to pretty-up a residential property for sale, all that is personal, all that smacks of the presence of a particular family of humans, is usually banished from the place. It is the home that must be focused on, not the creatures that live(d) there.

The erasure of living, breathing human beings from the real estate equation has become so commonplace that it even impacts public policy. When the mortgage-crisis unpleasantness of recent times reached crisis stage, it was the “glut” that took our attention, not the flesh-and-blood human beings who couldn’t or wouldn’t pay their debts. The recent concerns about assembly-line foreclosure procedures of late, again, tended to focus on the process, not the actual folks living in, but not paying for, their homes.

Real estate is easy to grasp; humans are so messy and hard to explain.

What did Boston Mayor Thomas Menino say when he proposed charging fees for repeated police visits to particular buildings? “We will not allow problem properties to drag down the quality of life in our neighborhoods and negatively impact our residents…”

There it was: “problem properties.” Of course, the fine in the form of a punitive fee would not really be charged to the property, no matter how naughty it had been. It was the landlord who was being scolded, but, somehow, we focus more clearly when the “property” is the naughty one.

Just A Façade

As described in The Boston Globe, Menino apparently erupted after the killing of a 19-year-old man. His apparent killers “ran to a nearby apartment house that had long drawn complaints from neighbors.”

Notice the anthropomorphic nature of the apartment building – as if it had opened its arms and welcomed the young thugs home.

Of course, behind all this is a frustration with landlords, but short of transforming residential and commercial properties into private country clubs, it isn’t easy to require the rabble to behave in a certain way. Thus, we focus on the “problem buildings.”

In Massachusetts, as in many places, it is “noisy” bars and dance halls that receive the most scorn. Bad buildings. Bad. Bad. Just last month, the cops in Boise, Idaho, shut down a rowdy part of downtown, as a fight between two guys quickly grew into a 300-person brawl of sorts. All the bars had just closed at Sixth and Main. Reading the reactions from the local folks, the scorn was aimed at the bars, more than the brawlers.

While many buildings are presumed guilty, without much in the way of due process, other buildings have better public relations. The killing and wounding of two men last week on Dudley Street in Dorchester occurred near the Good Shepherd Church, but no one hinted that the church was one of those “problem properties.”

Bars, strip joints and “adult” retail shops are often subject to legal and regulatory abuse, in part because the adults inside presumably have considerable freedom to do what they want. Best to regulate the buildings.

As far back as 1980, New York’s Court of Appeals struck down state law prohibiting topless dancers in bars. As the justices said, in a cranky 4-3 split decision, topless dancing “is not inherently obscene.” So it was seemingly deemed best to put the “adult” building through zoning hell, since the customers have already reserved a spot in that other version. Focus on the buildings.

In the most popular version of eminent domain litigation of late, sneaky urban planners tend to label certain properties and neighborhoods “blighted.” This once again, focuses on the homes – not on the people inside them – which you want to get rid of, to make the neighborhood cooler.

Real estate. It’s a much more enjoyable game without all those irritating people.