Here’s how it works in Boston: If you want to open a fast-food kind of fried chicken restaurant, you must fill out 53 business registration forms, in triplicate. You must find a cozy spot within the appropriate commercial zone. You must promise health officials that you will wash your hands very, very hard before serving each and every meal. And, of course, you must pass a civics test and a theology exam, to make sure that you are worthy of breathing the Boston air.

Even the big chains might not have known about that last part, so credit is due to Boston Mayor Thomas Menino for cranking up the economic development educational program and alerting the food services business to study real hard, in order to pass muster on matters of church and state.

The first restaurant empire to flunk the Boston test is apparently Chick-fil-A, a popular national chain that has announced plans to open a joint in Boston. Sad to report, the president of the company flunked the theology test – and the mayor says he is unwelcome in Boston.

When it came to the question on the exam about gay marriage, the president of the company, who makes no secret of his praise-the-Lord, Baptist, “biblically-based principles,” answered that gay marriage is “inviting God’s judgment on our nation.”

Wrong answer. Mayor Menino flunked the company, vowing to come down on the restaurant chain like the mighty hand of God (as defined by the mayor) and prevent it from opening in the city.

The mayor chanted, in a prayer-like way, that Boston was an “open city” (except for politically incorrect restaurant chains) and that “you can’t have a business in Boston that discriminates against a population.”

Tough grader, that Mayor Menino. Based on little more than a rather esoteric essay-exam answer referring to God’s judgment (about which reasonable men can differ), the mayor accuses the company of discriminating against a population. In fact, the only population that Chick-fil-A actually discriminates against is the hungry hordes on Sundays, who wander the Earth like Moses in the Sinai, looking for fried chicken, only to find Chick-fil-A restaurants closed (it’s that Christian thing, again). Remember the Sabbath.

Slippery Slope

In a statement that sounded very corporate, in a non-theological sort of way, the company said: “The Chick-fil-A culture and service tradition in our restaurants is to treat every person with honor, dignity and respect – regardless of their belief, race, creed, sexual orientation or gender. Going forward, our intent is to leave the policy debate over same-sex marriage to the government and political arena.”

Why does that sound so much more reasonable than what the mayor had to say? Because, of course, that is what it is. Menino wasn’t elected to scrutinize the religious beliefs of businesses that come to town, nor is he free to inflict religious or political tests on folks who want to come here – except, of course, for Republicans, who are unwelcome. Restaurant patrons are free to avoid Chick-fil-A and wait to eat chicken until they get to Provincetown – if that is what they want. The mayor should have nothing to do with it.

This kind of nonsense isn’t limited to Boston, of course. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel promised to join the effort to block the chain in Chicago, because “Chick-fil-A values are not Chicago values.”

There is something bordering on dangerous in all this. The political showboaters are focusing not so much on what the restaurant chain actually does, in terms of its attitude or service toward gays. No, they are focusing on what the company management “says” – which starts to dip a delicate toe into First Amendment jurisprudence.

If, in fact, Chick-fil-A is denied the right to do business based on the speech of its top executive, the ghost of U.S. Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. will rise to remind us that, the most important constitutional protection is “not free thought for those who agree with us but freedom for the thought we hate.” 

Chick-fil-A already has two restaurants in Massachusetts. Be warned all ye who enter here.