Broke & Bitter: The Teller Finds Company
Wall Street, banks, big corporations, the government – the whole world, really – is out to get Harry Brokass.
At least that’s what his publicist tells us. And she is quite helpful. After all, she did point out that "Harry Brokass" is, in fact, a penname.
Ms. Publicist tells The Teller that Brokass is a fictional character in his own book. The man behind the Brokass persona is an unidentified CPA who, according to a recent press release, "played by the rules and did everything right when he bought a home. Unfortunately, like many other Americans, playing by the rules wasn’t enough and now he is a homeowner whose mortgage is twice the value of his home."
The result of this whole mess is a book called "Capitaol: Buying Our Democracy With Stolen Money." No word on whether the spelling of "Capitaol" is intentional.
Brokass is the main character in the book, a "senior political leader who has long battled for the common man." However, when times get tough – Brokass needs a home loan modification and male breast reduction surgery – he finds himself on his own.
Brokass then sets about exposing "the secrets of ‘Super Congress World’ a mysterious place of alcoholism, gang bangs and world domination."
We can’t make this stuff up. Well, OK, we can. But we didn’t this time, we swear.
The Teller will admit we haven’t read the book, but the publicity materials seem to suggest Brokass is also Bitterass. Which is fine, given his dire financial position and the fact that he hears crickets when he tries to get any help from the government.
But we’re afraid the book isn’t going to do him much good. Despite being a CPA and doing "everything right," Brokass paid far too much for his house. It happened to lots of people, and a lot of them really did get screwed. Unfortunately, being a CPA doesn’t make you a savvy homebuyer.
That’s unfortunate, because it seems like Brokass possesses the kind of white hot, angry energy The Teller likes to see from the downtrodden, and he may actually have a couple of good points.
In the book, according to the press release, Brokass is said to unveil a "12-step credit addiction program" that amounts to "suck it up and get screwed because the government’s not going to help you."
This is a brilliant thought. Not for the words in it; they’re a mess. But for the question it implies: Why would the government help you after you’ve made a terrible, terrible financial decision?
The Teller can forgive Brokass for thinking this way. A precedent has been set. "The government" did help certain big banks that were doing a lot of the screwing avoid going out of business. No such luck for the humble homeowner. For Brokass to see this state of affairs and conclude that "the government" chose to support its corporate paymasters rather than its citizens is perfectly legit.
And the fact that his response was to dash off a crackpot book full of character names you can only come up with while drunk – rather than, you know, doing something productive – gives The Teller the feeling that Brokass is just the kind of guy we’d like to hang out with.
Just no gang bangs, please.
